


the beast you've made of me

by bi_magic



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s03e07 The Castle of Fyrien, F/M, basically its set after the ep it only matters for the setting not so much for the plot, bc whos to say isnt??, the important things are that morgana isnt on Their side and merlin Knows, this has no real point its just some mergana shit bc im a trash multishipper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:53:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26837770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bi_magic/pseuds/bi_magic
Summary: "I've had it with you talking."morgana kisses him, then, in that moonlit moment in the woods. it's a kiss that's a battle.(there are five of them, lying on the ground in the middle of the woods, on their way back to camelot. three of them are asleep.)
Relationships: Merlin/Morgana (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48





	the beast you've made of me

**Author's Note:**

> this is just some angst, sexual tension, hate filled mergana drabble. it doesn't have much of a point, i wrote the kiss first and felt like i should do something with it. i'm not sure how satisfied i am with what came out, but i hope i managed to at least somewhat capture their deep, twisted, complicated relationship, and some of the things merlin feels about morgana. i hope u guys enjoy!  
> title from howl by florence + the machine.

there are five of them, lying on the ground in the middle of the woods, on their way back to camelot. three of them are asleep.

merlin hears shuffling, rising, footsteps moving away. he knows it has to be morgana, and he knows he has to follow. with a sigh, he stands. she will be the death of him one of these days. or he of her. it hardly matters. all he knows is that it won't last long.

he follows her through the forest, the darkness around them thick and quiet, and he imagines he can hear his own heart, and hers, just several steps ahead, beating erratically. she hasn't turned at all, and so he has no idea if she's noticed him. he supposes he will have to wait and see.

morgana stops in a clearing, where the moonlight filters through the treetops and shines silver, engulfing her in an ethereal glow. she hardly deserves that, is far from holy, but like this, with her plus lips, the black braid falling down her back, her armor catching the light - she looks almost a goddess. almost worthy of worship. merlin turns his eyes away. he is, not for the first time, humbled by her beauty, by the venom of it, by the destruction it can so easily cause. beauty is a weapon, and morgana wields it with expertise.

he knows the truth of her now, knows that her heart isn't as pure as he had once believed: she's become so consumed by bitterness that there is nothing left of the gentle, benevolent morgana she was before. her heart has gone rotten, shifted and cracked beyond repair, and she will never come back. it's his fault. he knows.

"aren't you scared?" she calls out, that wicked grin on her lips, although he cannot be sure who she is talking to. he stays still. "following me out here in the middle of the night. don't you know how easily I could kill you, _merlin_?"

his breath hitches in his throat.

he steps out from betwen the trees, staring at her carefully, the look in his eyes sad in ways even he can scarcely understand. "I know," he says, voice unwavering, gaze trained on her face, watching.

her eyes are narrowed when she stares back, studying him as he slowly moves closer.

"I want to believe you won't."

the gleam in her eyes isn't that of an innocent princess - it's of a wild beast, a predator, aiming for the kill. still, he doesn't cower before it. she sneers at him, nose scrunched upwards, lip curled in distaste. "and why shouldn't I? didn't you try to kill me?"

"I had no choice, morgana," his tone is weary, like they've had this discussion a thousand times over. they haven't, but he'd had it with himself. he would be hurt too, in her place. he would hate him too. but he knows, terrible as it is, that there hadn't been anything else he could have done. merlin would do anything for arthur, for camelot, would make the hardest choices. he has proven that. it's just a shame he had to lose a friend for it. it's just a shame it's blackened morgana to her very core.

"so you poisoned me," she shakes her head, hand moving to the hilt of her sword almost instinctively, it seems, fingers tapping against the metal. the half smile on her face is dripping bitterness, and merlin feels like he doesn't know what she's capable of anymore. "and I thought we were friends."

"we were -" the words burst out of his mouth before he can think, and she arches her brows. he sucks in a deep breath, feels his throat close up, like he is suffocating under her gaze. "we _were_ friends," he finishes, voice soft, hand stretched out as if to calm to a fightened, growling animal. "and I understand if you're angry with me, but what about arthur? gwen? why would you want to hurt them? they've been nothing but good to you."

he doesn't think he will ever give up on his attempts to persuade morgana to see reason, even if it feels doomed, even if it's too little, too late.

she studies his face, eyes raking over him slowly, her gaze heavy and hot on his skin, and he struggles with breathing for a moment. the sadness in her eyes feels like something he knows all too well.

"they'd hate me if they knew what I was. they all would."

the silence between them is burdened, the weight of everything between them, everything that was ever said and just as much everything left unspoken, hanging in the air, as though it were a real, physical thing. "I don't." merlin feels like he owes her something, anything, to compensate for what he'd done to her. "I know, and I don't." he wants to tell her the truth, just like he does at any other moment when she's looking right into him with those eyes, aches to share his secret with a soul that would understand. he can't risk it, so he kepps his mouth shut.

morgana's brows shoot up, the only thing to indicate her surprise, the rest of her face remaining a steely mask. merlin can't read her, doesn't know what she's thinking, but he hopes some part of her still believes in him enough to know he isn't lying. she purses her lips.

"there is no other way for me anymore." her voice is harsh, words dripping venom as she takes a few steps his way, until they are standing right before each other, way too close for it to be considered approriate. she's shorter than him but her chin is turnt up, eyes boring into his like maybe she can see inside his head if she just tries hard enough. they're breathing the same air, and merlin almost itches to reach out and touch her, remind her somehow of eveything they've been through, of the tenderness they once shared. of the fact that he'd done everything for her, against everything he'd been advised. of the fact that he hadn't given up on her until there was absolutely nothing else he could do.

he wants to tell her there's always another way, that they can do this, fix everything, together. when he inhales, opening his mouth to speak, she rolls her eyes and grabs him, touch searing and ruthless and unforgiving. for a second he thinks this is where he dies.

"I've had it with you talking."

morgana kisses him, then, in that moonlit moment in the woods. it's a kiss that's a battle, and she may as well have drawn her sword at him. he can feel her desire to ruin him like it's pulsing through his own veins. it's a kiss that's a battle and she's winning - she knows, and he knows, too; he has no power over her, no word against hers, and for a number of different reasons, he cannot deny her anything she wants.

he shifts to hold her around the waist, pulling her against him, the metal of her armor cold against the skin of his forearms. she throws her arms around him, tangles fingers in his hair. her nails scratch at the back of his neck and he shivers, hates this, hates her, hates himself. hates that he always surrenders, always backs down, when it comes to her. that he can never lay the killing blow. she bites his bottom lip, hard, and the metallic taste of blood spreads between them. merlin wants to despise it, but since when has he ever had control over anything?

a small sounds rolls off her tongue and into his mouth, and he gulps it down and holds her tighter. he hasn't forgotten that they're enemies now, and judging by the way she kisses him, she hasn't either. his bones sing to her, and he wants to swallow her whole, bury her inside of him and never let her out. suddenly he remembers, all these things he's been told she is: the darkness to his light, the hatred to his love. he wonders, if what he wants is her in his bloodstream, what is it that she wants, that she's thinking. he supposes he'll never know.

he moves to place kisses at her sharp jaw, her long neck. he notices her chest heaving, prays for forgiveness, nibbles at her porcelain skin to distract them both. she grasps at his hair forcefully and brings his lips back to hers. 

merlin doesn't know how long it's been since her mouth first touched his, couldn't have paid attention if he'd wanted to, too immersed in her to notice anything else. the moon is still high in the sky, shining a silver light on them, when they finally part, both of them breathing hard and staring at each other like the end of the world is upon them. they're still holding each other, his arms around her waist, her hands digging into his shoulders. merlin cannot for the life of him guess what she's thinking, but he knows what's on his own mind: morgana has made a beast of him, and he has let her, would let her another hundred times. he will never stop fighting her - and still, she could kiss him with that posionous mouth whenever she wanted, again and again and again, and he would drink it down without question.

a mixture of guilt and desire simmers deep in the pit of his stomach as morgana presses her fingers hard against his cheek bone and then moves to walk away, back in the direction of the camp. it occurs to merlin no one has come to meet her, and for a second he wonders why she came here in the first place, but as he hurries to follow her back he decides it doesn't matter.

he has almost killed her, and now she has almost killed him - but they will never be even. watching her distant figure between the trees, a bittersweet taste beneath his tongue, he knows: this will never die as long as they are both alive. they have made each other monsters, circling one another in an endless, bloody dance. they will always live inside each other's bones.

**Author's Note:**

> soooo that's it, i hope u enjoyed! please feel free to tell me what you thought, leave kudos / comment. thanks for reading <3


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